Over the past 6 months, I've been doing a lot of extensive study on all things religion, awakening, spirituality, etc. It has led to some pretty significant changes in my life, but I won't bore you with all my updates on that. Rather, I want to share a moment of deep life-changing empowerment with you to help you wherever you may be on your own personal journey.
I have committed to blogging about these matters at my new blog dedicated to spiritual empowerment called Awakening Vibes. Feel free to subscribe for powerful messages updated regularly.
When it comes to religion, you'd have to be pretty new not to understand that it is a system, one put together for the specific purpose of controlling mankind. Truth is, the idea of no control governing us can be scary. We imagine that lack of controls will set off pandemonium like this world has never known. We often forget that mankind itself predates both government and religion. Somehow we not only survived those periods but thrived to the point of being able to institute both. Now, I'm not an anarchist. I only mention that to say that religion and government both play a role but the goal is to grow beyond both and all other controls that keep us bound. You can only go so far running to church every Sunday listening to the pastor preach those sermons that have yet to change your life. At some point, you're going to have to make a new decision.
That's where the real journey can begin. You see, all these carnal and religious systems serve as kings over you. And as long as your allegiance is with them, you'll miss the beautiful purpose for which you were born. It is only when you decide to elevate GOD himself back to the position of top authority in the universe and your life that you find true freedom. Sure, let those who still need control keep submitting to it. But when you wake up enough to realize it is no longer helping or feeding that insatiable hunger for the REAL GOD, then you need not be afraid to step outside of the maze of controls and limits.
I pray a blessed and peaceful, prosperous and joyful journey to you. No fear. No doubts. No judgments. Only love and it as your guide. Be sure to subscribe to my Youtube channel for some powerful videos on various awakening topics. Until next time, be blessed. Namaste.
(An excerpt from my upcoming book, "Let Him Kiss Me" - Copyright protected. All rights reserved.)
You went to talking to me
I was trying to handle a little business
I wasn’t really listening but I heard you speaking
You seemed to be excited about something
I really wanted to be in the moment with you
But my interests were split
We were almost at home
I hadn’t looked at you once during our trip
The phone and computer had me transfixed
I did notice you were happy
So I could take this time to do my marketing
To write. To call. To post. To edit.
To do everything except tend to you.
Once we got settled in, I went right back to work.
Then awhile later I heard you talking
What were you talking about?
Who were you talking to?
Now I was listening.
Now I could hear you well.
You laughed and told someone about your day
I didn’t know you had closed a client.
I didn’t know it had taken you months to do so.
I had no idea what it all meant to you.
How had I missed all of this new info you’re telling someone else right now?
I walked into the dining room
You were parked at the table laughing and chatting.
I was excited for you. I wanted to celebrate.
Finally you hung up. I still don’t know why I asked.
“Who was that, baby? And why am I just hearing all of this?”
You looked confused. Then hurt. Then accepting.
“That was Tina. I told you all this in the car after…”
You were still talking but I was stuck on Tina.
She was celebrating your good news a lot lately.
She was around all the time, always smiling. Always looking fresh and ready, always tuned in to your needs, always calling at the wrong time. Now she was celebrating with you again. And where was I?
That night, I simply asked the question because I had to.
“How do you feel about Tina?”
You laid there quiet so long that I became unsure of if I had spoken to you. But I had asked.
You had heard me.
“Tina is just a good friend. She is always there for me. She’s helping me build my dream and I trust her. You know, I love her, I guess. Not like you, baby. But you know…”
I laid there quietly pondering what you were saying.
“Why do you always go to her first when good things happen to you?”
Again, there was a long silence.
This silence held something. It was about to give birth.
“Actually, I come to you first. But you are always working. You are either writing a book, reading someone else’s book, marketing books, researching grants, teaching a class or otherwise occupied with your coaching. I know how important it is for you to do what you do so I don’t take it personal that you stopped listening to me a long time ago.”
I could not deny that I had tuned you out
But my heart argued that I loved you and I was there.
What does there mean, though, if you aren’t really there?
What was I doing but the same thing I had done before?
This path is leading to loss.
I sat up in the bed and turned toward you.
Your eyes were as beautiful as they had been on the day I first loved you. Your energy was as warm and welcoming as it ever was. Nothing had really changed and I wasn’t going to let it change.
“I’m sorry that I’ve left room for others to do what you want me to do. I’m sorry if you ever felt that my work was more important than you. I’m sorry that I stopped actively listening. I’m sorry for every night I made you come to bed alone and wake up alone, for every meal you wanted but I didn’t make time to prepare for you. I’m sorry for every night you longed to make love to me but I chose to stay up and work, or was too tired to oblige you. I make no excuses. I love you now even more than I once did. Not one quiet moment was my heart contemplating about you because you are the one thing I’m sure of. I want to be what you need me to be. And when I am missing some cues, call me out on it so that I can fix it. I’m not willing to lose you, not your attention, not your energy, not your love.”
We fixed it that night. We fix it every night. Because love needs maintenance and care. It cannot be put on autopilot.
During my hiatus, I had the opportunity to learn a considerable amount about drugs and addictions. The complexity of it all, but the simplicity of the hunger, the urge, the drive. It's maddening! The emotional fallout is unbelievable! That you can want something that is so damning to your life is completely beyond the grasp of sane people. For the truth is, addiction is an insanity. The drug of choice is the portal to let that insanity play out. You may not have chosen a chemical. Maybe, like me, your drug of choice is love.
One of my friends used to love reminding me that we can't help who our heart loves. I didn't argue the fact out loud, but I didn't fully embrace her theory. I hadn't yet met the one who would show me the truth of it. Indeed, many men and women right now go about their daily lives, working, shopping, smiling, laughing, whooping it up for the world. But when the lights are off, when the world is quiet, when the distractions cease, they can't help but remember the ones they really love. You know exactly what I mean. Get honest since no one is watching you read this blog. That man/woman who you still wish you had, still miss with everything in you, still respond to when you see them or hear from/about them. You may have someone else. You may do everything you can do to make them happy, to celebrate them, and to love them. But the truth is, inside you there is another and you know it. You're painfully aware.
For all intents and purposes, some people would say that it doesn't matter if you still love someone in your heart of hearts. But I beg to differ. One of the most important things in the world is your heart and what abides there. Out of the heart flows the issues of life. Our hearts can condemn us. Our hearts can mislead us. Your heart is the core of your soul and it must be kept, guarded, watched and frequently purged. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a position you didn't plan for or see coming because love never stops calling.
When someone is in your heart, whether you want them there or not, whether they deserve to be there or not, that attachment is not easily broken. Running off with Mr. Perfect or Mrs. Got-it-Together won't stop love from calling out to you. It won't stop you from yearning, wishing and missing. It won't stop the dull ache that never really seems to go away. And time won't heal it. Many women have walked away from "Johnny" and married "Larry" just to end up cheating on Larry with Johnny or Johnny Proxy many years down the line. Who is Johnny Proxy--- Johnny Proxy is the man who reminded you of someone, the one you found yourself drawn to because the fire for Johnny himself never died. Oh, men do it too. Often, you guys try to drown out whatever emotional attachments you feel with every vagina you run across in a 100 mile radius. There is an better way to deal with the call of love lost, the longing of what once way, and the attachment that seems to linger.
When love calls, answer the phone. Have the conversation you need to have. Close the issue when you can. Don't embrace denial and don't try the game of substitution. Deal with what it is--- it's over and there is no going back. Put your heart before Father and let Him heal you, do the spiritual surgery necessary. Maybe you didn't realize it, but a breakup is akin to separating babies who are sharing one body. You need a specialist, and thank God, we have one in Him.
I'm telling you this because it's true. You and I are the only ones here. I know how hard it is to put the phone down, to stop texting, calling, to ignore FB messages, to delete profiles and block further contact. And even with all that, there is still this love. But I also know how good it feels to be free. I mean, honestly, have you ever been FREE? When was the last time you met someone as just yourself without all the soul ties? I mean, do you even know how you like your own eggs without the men or women you've had? I believe it is time to find out so that when love calls to you again, the right love, you can answer as a free man, a free woman. Godspeed out there.
Many of you know that I've been gone for 10 months. Not everyone knows why. I debated whether I would even do this post because my views before going to prison and my views after leaving have changed considerably. Before I left, I was fighting it. I've been fighting it for years. I didn't feel I deserved it, and frankly didn't see how I had time to be locked away. Now that I'm home, I realized my next shift was behind the fence at ADC-McPherson Unit. Here's the story.
In 2005, I ended up hospitalized for 3 weeks 2 days. I actually ended up checking myself out of the hospital. My heart was in pretty bad shape. I ended up with several returned checks, 3 of which were for my medicine, and a couple others for gas and grocery, etc. The prosecutor at the time did try to work with me and I paid off a few of the checks but I wasn't working while going back and forth into the hospital. Long story short: I ended up on probation for hot checks, supposed 5 years probation, 5 years suspended imposition of sentencing. I understood that to be just five years. (It wasn't) In the beginning, the probation wasn't a problem but beginning in 2008, it seemed like every year they were trying to violate me for some reason or another.
In 2013, I caught a first degree battery charge from a domestic situation. It was then dropped to second degree battery, but they were still trying to give me 15 years for what amounted to self-defense. Later, I took a plea for a one year suspended sentence on misdemeanor domestic battery. They had threw out my probation revocation before then. But immediately after, like 2 months after the plea, I got hit again with a probation revocation. Accepting the plea was violation number 1. Then, I was living in Houston and in Warren. They judge had given me permission to go to Texas, but probation didn't. (Partly because they couldn't agree if I was still on probation. I didn't even have an officer.) Violation number 2 was traveling without permission, leaving the district. Violation number 3 was absconding because I had stopped reporting due to being informed I was no longer on probation. As I said, I didn't even have an officer. But legal arguments aside, I ended up with my probation revoked and with a 6 year sentence after having been on paper for 9 years already. That, to me, was freaking ridiculous! But here's the truth...
I didn't want prison but I did need it. I needed some time to stop moving and shaking. I needed some time just to work on me. I did actually have an issue with anger but I was too busy to see that. I didn't sit still long enough to know how much emotional, spiritual and psychic pain I was in. I just kept going and going, really trying to run from my own problems. Now let me tell you, I got a lot accomplished but there was no lasting joy in it. I was preaching healing and teaching it and training and helping thousands... everyone but myself. Not to mention I was in love... yes, I can finally admit it. I loved a man who loved me back, but our relationship was chaotic at best. I was living between 3 states by the end of this ordeal. That may sound cool, but honey, if you don't have a jet to get you back and forth between them, it's actually just a headache. A very expensive headache.
Going to prison took me out of range of phones and internet and everyone else's problems. I was not a "superstar" to anyone there. No one expected a thing out of me. I had no image to maintain. And honestly, after the first month or so, I walked around happy most days. I had my days now... dealing with all those women, the guards and just the setting itself can become stressful, but it was way easier than my previous lifestyle. I was angered to the point of seeing red a few times, but I kept my hands to myself. I was respectful. I was never written up. And eventually, the guards even bought some of my books. But the best part of the vacation was the feeling of reconnecting with my Source... that feeling of basking in His love unashamedly, without guilt. I prayed for others still, but mostly I prayed for myself. I ministered to myself. I tried some my own processes and relished them. It was all about Lacresha!
In the real world, sometimes we feel guilty when we want time for self, when we don't do, do, and do for others. Yes, I fought it. No, it wasn't right how they took my freedom. But I believe there is a verse we often forget that says ALL things work together for the good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I am so much happier, I mean heart happier. I'm more balanced, less chaotic. I don't have a temper I will ever claim again. I wouldn't recommend anyone test it by hitting me (LMBO) but I feel more at one with God and with everyone else. I'm good with anyone who walks away, or anything that is lost. I'm just good altogether.
Bulletproof? You betcha! And I thank God for it!
Many of you who frequent my blog have heard my testimony a few times. Today, I spent time in prayer and reflection, and ended up revisiting my testimony.
It's amazing how easy it is to become common with something that is not common at all, but miraculous. What we once praise God for becomes something we take for granted. It is the human condition. That's why it is so important to keep your testimony close to your heart and always on your lips.
Back in 2008, I had to spend a few months on a walker. The doctors were not sure if I had Multiple Sclerosis or Lupus or something else going on. I was having seizures which at times caused me to wet myself or bite blood from my tongue. I was on so many meds/downers that I was rarely in condition to spend time with my husband at the time or son. I was in such bad shape, I prayed for God to take me. It wasn't the first time I'd prayed that. And it wasn't the first time that the Holy Spirit comforted my heart and gave me the strength to keep believing.
From birth until this very hour, my life has been a series of challenges. When I was young, I felt that I was the only one being abused, the only one with alcoholic or drug addicted parents and a dad who was missing-in-action. My grandmother raised me but she was illiterate. So I could not be what other kids were, footloose and fancy-free. I was burdened down with responsibility very early on. I was forced into a life I then resented. And on top of it all, we were very poor. I mean very poor, like $162 per month welfare checks. But God had a plan for it all.
No matter who you are, you'll have times when you want to complain about your current struggles. But when you call to remembrance the former things, the deliverance, the victories you've already celebrated, it brings clarity to your now and causes you to see God in a different light. When I was going through abuse, physical and sexual, I felt I was alone in this big ole mean world. And I felt sorry for myself until it turned to anger. Then I was mad at everyone and myself. I was mad at God. My perspective was skewed. I was focusing on the challenges, the pain and the desires that had gone unmet.
These days, I still go through things, but I am quick to remind myself that focusing on the problem makes it bigger. Focusing on my personal relationship with our Creator makes all things small. Perspective is found when you view things through the broader scope of eternity. God loves us now and forever, but His primary goal is to ensure that we make it to forever. As a loving Father, He does what needs to be done and our emotions are not priority with Him, though He is moved with compassion for us. Likewise, when we take the emotional aspects out of control of whatever we're going through, we can make wise decisions. We can stay joyful during storms. We can have peace in the middle of confusion.
Keep your testimony alive in your mind and heart. Share it over and over again. It keeps you in a place of humility with God and power over ANY situation. I love you all by choice, on purpose! Follow me on Facebook or Twitter for daily inspiration. Also, I recommend you pre-order your copy of 31 Thoughts That Lead to Peace.
When I was new at this entrepreneurial thing, this "elevation" thing, I used to judge those big shots who never seemed to have time for people. But now at this place, I realize that part of fulfilling your dreams is being very cautious with your time and attention. You just can't help everyone all the time. Sometimes, you have to be content to help those you can. The moment helping begins to bring you away from where God placed you, begins to rob you of what you absolutely need, then you're doing way too dang much. There is a cost to being set apart. You may as well decide if you plan to pay it now or not. It doesn't work for everyone because everyone doesn't understand the art of sacrifice. Everyone doesn't like discipline. Everyone isn't okay with being ridiculed and ostracized by those who once they believed were friends and family.
The hardest part to becoming "someone" is divorcing the "no one" mentality. We are not born with a no one mentality. It is bred into us by society, community, family, those we thought were friends, and circumstances. So when you hear the clarion call of the Lord one morning and decide to heed it, you are around those who have been helping you to feel like nothing for a long time. It takes separation. That was what the story of Abraham taught us in the Bible. But he was not the only one and you are not the last one to be set apart.
I recently had to leave my ex completely alone. I loved him. I thought I wanted him and needed him. He was like a comforting blankie that reminded me of where I came from in a whole new world of people celebrating my "greatness" and accomplishments. And indeed, he kept me reminded by never fully supporting me. He didn't see the shining star others saw. So I felt it would keep me humble with my feet on the ground. But God called me to fly, to soar in fact. The feet have to leave the ground for that. So I tried to carry his dead weight of unbelief and I couldn't get anywhere. You see, there will never be a call that does not require a loss of some things and some people. Not ever! I had to let him go. God didn't plan for his disbelief to keep eating away at me. I thought I needed to be reminded because I was afraid of believing in the greatness myself. But it was all a crutch, a well-oiled machined engineered to give me an excuse for only going so far. When I was shown so clearly what it was, a barrier and excuse, and who controlled it, me, I cancelled operation of the machine and kicked him out of my life.
Guys, you have to stop being afraid of the same thing you keep praying for. You have to understand that separation from those you think you need is often the final step before you are enraptured with God and taken places, showed things, and loved better than ever. In Him, we don't have to fight to stay humble. Humility is the natural state of those who are close to God. We don't have to watch our step for fear of falling off path. He put you on the path and keeps you on it until he sees fit to move you around. See, IN God, I do mean in, we can stop the toil of the soul, the anxieties, the fears, the drama, the confusion. He has you. But the spot for you is only big enough for you. You cannot bring everyone and everything with you. I'm not saying go file for a divorce or break up your home. I am simply stating that in God, in step with God, some things will fall away. Some things will be added. You won't always agree because of your finite knowledge and wisdom. But He knows tomorrow while we ponder it. He has a reason, purpose and plan. The cost of greatness for the believer is to obey God and open your hands. What is yours will remain. What isn't will be blown away. In obedience though, and in time you see that there was a reason for it all.
So go on and separate yourself to God. Stop wrestling and just submit it all to His wisdom and knowledge. Don't let others make you feel guilty because you believe in God, because you are striving for better, because you have to move on without them. They don't understand but in time, if they are blessed, they will. At the end of the day, they aren't your concern. God is!
1. What drives you to get up every morning?
My children and my promises to them that I will make a better life for them and show them how to be a successful woman with integrity.
2. What obstacles did you have to overcome to write a book?
I had to first overcome emotional pain that would allow me to comfortably write about my past experiences. I had never written a book before, and I didn’t know authors or other writing coaches at that time that could guide me in the process. Thankfully, I have a natural writing skill that allowed me to also do research and reference the books I’ve read on formatting.
3. What is your favorite book?
God’s Gonna Make You Laugh by Noel Jones
4. Are there songs that put you in the mood to write? What are they?
I love listening to music and to the television while I’m writing. I like to listen to Gospel, R&B and Hip-Hop depending on my mood. I’m such a moody writer so it’s more when the mood hits me that I will get on a flow. I’m also a big thinker so as I go throughout the day, I will write little notes and then make the decision to sit down and put everything together.
5. As a national speaker, what are your passions you hope to share with the world?
My passions are domestic abuse and promoting healthier relationships. I hope to share my personal experiences mixed with my professional experiences to help people understand domestic abuse in its totality from the victim, abuser and legal perspectives. I also want to help people learn how to have healthy relationships in order to minimize the rate of abuse. Finally, I want to tackle the hidden prevalence of abuse that is not appropriately addressed in the churches and among African-Americans.
6. What are your thoughts on coaching, writing and speaking as a career choice for others?
I believe people should pursue their passions and not just for money. Coaching, writing and speaking gives you the platform to impact a positive change in society and if you’re not clear on your purpose behind those efforts, your messages will be ineffective and less authentic.
7. Share one thing no one knows about you.
I often say that I’m done having children. But, I still think of raising more children either adopted or maybe having another.
8. Share one thing you wish you were better at.
I wish I was better at being a hustler in the sense of the hunger that those who are experts at marketing and publicity. If I had those skills, I believe I could have done more for myself at a much quicker pace.
9. Where do you see yourself in the next year? Five years?
I see myself traveling outside the DC Metro area for speaking opportunities on a full-time basis. In the next five years, I see myself writing another book or two. I also see myself expanding my business empire to include radio, television and investing or starting a business that my daughters can hopefully take over one day.
10. What advice or inspiration can you share with the readers?
I would like to inspire readers to keep going despite the obstacles. Trust the process of preparing to step into their big dreams. We have to learn how to be responsible with the little in order to be responsible with a lot.
For more information about Qiana Budd, or to find out about her book, The Pivotal Relationship, please connect with her on Facebook, or like her page.