Poetry at one point was a conversation between my knower and my feeler.  You know those kind of conversations when what you know to be true has to subdue what you feel. 

In this life, there will be plenty of times when you haven't a clue about what to do next. Unexpected things will happen. Sometimes, you may find yourself totally disconnected for long periods. But then there will be other times when you feel like you're on top of the world. That is the case always with feelings. They are quite mutable, changing frequently and sometimes for no reason at all.

Then there are the absolute truths of life that we find and hold. When our truth conflicts with our emotions, life can be like a thunderstorm. But poetry is a way through that storm of what I want versus what I need, what I believe versus what I see, what I think and what I know. It was through re-reading many of my poems that I found my way through emotional turmoil. I hope that you will go try a little today. Even if you don't write it, look up some poetry and let your imagination go wild. Happy reading!

I could never say it face to face. Pride grips my tongue. Foolishness fills my heart. Madness seizes my mind. And all I can ever manage to say is "I don't care" but God knows it is a lie.

I care for you. I care what you do, when you do it and how you do it. I care if you're in my life. I care. I don't know why when I care the most, I yell the loudest. I can't explain why when I want you closer I only end up pushing you away. I don't know what happened to us. And I don't know how to fix it. The fear is that it cannot be fixed.

I could never say it face to face, but I miss you so badly. No, not just how you made me feel. No, not just having someone here. I miss how you smell, the sound of your voice, the feel of your skin, the weird noises you make when you're sleeping, the way you leave your socks all over the house. It was a house when you were in it. All the complaining I did, I was ignorant. I didn't know what I was doing, didn't know what I had, didn't know how petty it all really was. Now, we're done. There is no more us. All that is left is memories of mistakes I made and opportunities and love I missed. And the worst part is I cannot go and establish that with someone else because the words ended the relationship but they did not change the love in my heart.

Ladies, join me at Your Healing Partner to find relief from the things that ail us and plague us. You won't be sorry. Sisterhood is your way to freedom and joy and redemption. God still has a plan!

Only a few years ago, I required the use of a walker regularly because of numbness and weakness that would come and go on the left side of my body. Even today, the numbness and pains still come. But I'm so grateful I don't have the physical limitations today I did just three short years ago.

I share my story in my book, CASCADE OF TEARS, and I hope that you will support it. This book is so important in that it deals with the emotional side of healing as well as the physical. Truth is, many of us have physical illnesses that stem from mental and emotional struggles. 

Reading Cascade of Tears will help you deal with depression, anger issues and problems with self-esteem. It will walk you through a journey of healing that puts you back in control of your life, regardless of what you've been diagnosed with or how long you've had it. This book is for chronic illness sufferers and for those who have emotional scars. Please use the order link on the home page of my website. I look forward to your feedback and your testimonies for this website.

Over the past decade, I've written many grant proposals and helped set up many businesses, many of which are still in operation today. I've met some amazing people with unbelievable stories. I've even had the joy of sharing in bringing wonderful books to the market through my publishing company. I've won awards, been celebrated and traveled over the country as a professional. However, in all of my successes, I've never been happier than I am today, right this moment.

I received an email, a photo and a 3 chapter sample from a young lady who read my book, THE RAPE OF INNOCENCE, three years ago and then immediately began writing her own. She finished her book a few weeks ago and guess who she wants to partner with her to get the word out there about date rape and date rape drugs? Yes, she chose me. The email touched my heart and I wanted to share a little piece of it, as pasted below.

... was painful and humiliating. I wanted to die to kill myself but fear of the unknown stopped me from trying. I happened upon your book when a friend gave it to me. She'd received it as a gift but didn't want to finish it since she'd never been abused. My life changed from chapter 1. Your story saved me. I cried with you and began to journal my own book as you said you did. I studied you and followed all your work until I felt strong enough to believe on my own. If you will, please consider my book for publication and be my partner in helping college students where the fight is still going on at Grambling and other colleges I'm sure.

Round 3

Coming to the conclusion that I need God was the easy part. Reconnecting with Him much more difficult, not because of Him but because of the state I was in. I was trying to “find” God, but God was never lost, and had not departed. Thus, again I was spinning my wheels. I was looking outside of myself for an answer that would only come through making peace between myself and God.

Right after I began going through repeated hospitalizations and E.R. visits, I began to lose faith. It began to feel like this illness would always be in my life and I’d always be miserably sick and barely able to function. And so, even before the doctors began to give up, I’d given up. I was praying for death and release versus healing and restoration for a time. While my whole church family labored in prayer with me to be healed, I was so broken and confused by pain that I was in direct opposition to those prayers. I wanted only for it to end.

While not preaching or trying to convert anyone in this book, I find it necessary to talk about the role of faith and speech in healing and wholeness. I remember something my Physical Science teacher used to say in school. “Just because you can’t see gravity or don’t believe in it doesn’t exempt you from the effects of it (gravity).” In the same way, whether or not we believe in God does not change the fact that He exists and He is Most Powerful. Often, when people are diagnosed with chronic illnesses, either they cling to God more desperately or reject Him more definitely. But either way, most sick people have very strong feelings about faith, a case for it or against it. And the list of people proclaiming supernatural healing grows by the hundreds or thousands each day. Yet, growing as rapidly are those who became disillusioned because they were diagnosed with a disease. In their mind, their faith should have protected them from ever becoming ill. They feel that God has failed them and allowed some awful evil to come into their lives by way of sickness and disease. And so, they create a horrible cycle, speaking negative words with worsening results until it culminates into some form of death.

Whatever condition you are in spiritually will create either a circle of blessing, healing and wholeness or a circle of loss, destruction and depression. Fortunately, God isn’t like mankind. He is easily entreated. He never holds grudges or anger. He never holds the past over our heads. He never hides away. He presents Himself moment by moment as a real option in our lives. Though He’s never in need of finding,  He still must be sought.

There are those, who in false humility, assume they cannot wait until everything falls apart to run to God. Guilt won’t allow them. They ascribe to God humanly characteristics like pettiness and cruelty, mockery and grudges. They believe God won’t hear them when they know they need Him most, but it does not matter what has transpired in the past, God has made Himself available to all at any time through prayer. This all may seem like a long detour, but bear with me because I had to make those prior points to get to the meat of this chapter.

When I became ill, I was in a sinful relationship. I was separated from my godly husband and making plans to marry another man. I was in adultery. I was shacking. I was lying. I wasn’t faithful at church. I was backslidden. I was depressed. And in that low place, though I knew God and had previously preached the Gospel, I felt completely alienated from Him. I didn’t know how to boldly approach the throne of grace to find help in troubling times. I didn’t know how to accept His goodness or grace. I didn’t feel that He was with me or for me. I felt like I was an enemy to God and thus, I was rendered powerless to believe the scriptures applied to me too, that I could be healed too.  

(All rights reserved. Copyright 2012 Lacresha Hayes)

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