As people, we're often exceedingly judgmental. We love leaders because that gives us someone to point the finger at if something fails or falls apart. If a family doesn't make it, it's the man. If the country struggles, it's the president. If a company is in trouble, it is the CEO. This is our programmed thinking. But let's have a moment of clarity.

Each decision we make leads us down a road. Often, we blame the residents of the road we chose for making our lives difficult, but they have always been on that road. That is where they live. We decided to use it and thus, we cannot complain or blame for our own decision. What am I talking about? 

When you decide to interact with someone, you have no clue what their addition to your life will bring. If they bring complications, you may blame them. But, didn't all this begin when you decided to allow them into your life? And if so, did you maybe get ahead of yourself? Did you ignore wisdom? And along another line of thinking, have you considered that there is nothing wrong with either of you? Maybe you are just not meant to be connected?

You see, we are godlike in our ability to decide. That is why prison is such a terrible experience, because it severely cripples your ability to decide. In that ability, there is a huge responsibility to make good decisions. When we make careless ones, it cripples our lives and the lives of others. So, my one "bad" decision may motivate your "bad" decision, which causes other "bad" decisions to be made and that ripple continues endlessly until we learn that we are continually deciding and can decide differently at any time we want. We must accept responsibility for our own lives, not leaving it to chance, to others, or living it carelessly, but living it on purpose.

If my country is struggling, it doesn't matter how much others are doing wrong until my own failures in patriotism has been addressed. If my company struggles, before I blame the leadership, I must ask myself how much am I investing in the success of the company. If my marriage struggles, before I blame him, I must take a serious look at my own issues within the marriage. You see, the secret to a purposeful life is seeing yourself as a developing individual and learning from all your interactions, both "good" and "bad" ones. When we point the finger completely outside us, it also removes our power to affect the outcome of any situation. I don't like feeling powerless, but to wield my power, I must also wield my responsibility. 

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As I sat in a reflective moment, I pondered my prior jealousies.

In my previous marriage, one day my husband showed me where he lost his virginity. While it did not create a particular stir in me that day because we often shared everything with each other, it did become an inner issue later on.

On another day on our way into Memphis, we were having a great time and I felt close to him. So as we passed the apartment complex off the side of the interstate, I felt a tug. There was a grief that hit me hard and threatened to suffocate the remainder of the day as I went along distracted. At that time, I still did not understand what I felt and my mind was not yet ready for that level of enlightenment. But now...

In a recent moment of conversation with God, a moment of quiet heart prayer, I found myself saying, "I don't want to miss another moment. I already missed enough moments." And for a second, I remembered that apartment complex. I remembered the grief. I discovered what I felt back then was the pain of a missed moments. 

When you fall in love, you desire to be all you can to and for that person. You become their biggest cheerleader. And as time passes, you hear more and more stories and you find yourself longing to be a part of those moments, to witness the look, hear the sound, capture the aroma of each memory. If you happen to feel things as deeply as I often do, you can feel cheated. Jealousy can then rear its ugly head.

Reasonably speaking, there is no way for two people to share every moment. In fact, even trying to do so will block many moments from happening. Personally speaking, my jealousy over this or that missed moment almost always turned into more missed moments.

Amazingly, when I began asking God to deal with my jealous streak, the work began on my thinking. My nature was possession and ownership. I thought in terms of mine and yours. But relationships are not about possession and ownership. It is about uniting, not acquiring. It is about an entity bigger than either called WE and the beauty of building a we state with your mate is seeing the prior coloring of each other's former life, hearing the words and watching the reactions to a memory of yesteryear that tells you what you need to know for today. In a little shift of perspective, I realized that the people we are today are product of yesterday and no moment from before is missed because they are housed in that being in front of me that I love so much.

Now, rather than grieving over the past moments, I celebrate the now moments. Living in the past always comes at an exorbitant cost, the cost of today. You cannot occupy them both at the same time. Any moment you did not witness was not yours. It did not belong to you. These moments, these activities, even these emotions are yours. NOW is yours. The life God has given you has been fully stocked and you're missing nothing. So now, when I hear the stories and see the joy of yesteryear, I can still celebrate without feeling cheated because in so many ways, as a unit, his experiences become my own. We can share our moments even when we are not in each other's presence.

What are we thinking as time breezes by us? Are we willing to remain painfully unaware of the truth of life until it is too late to do something different?

These days as this decade of my life passes me by, I'm filled with questions for my generation. I'm saddened by some of the things I see and hear. So many people are partying and crying and drugging their way to their end with no hope or expectation for the next plane of existence. They are in a vicious cycle of being hurt and hurting others. Then, the circle of pain and anguish extends further and further until none are untouched by it. Let me go a little deeper so you can see my point.

I was raped by a minister. Upon further investigation, we discovered that he himself had been molested by his uncle. He'd grown up an abused young man with no intervention and no understanding. Thus, he became an abuser. It was most unfortunate to find out I was not the only victim and that young ladies in his wife's family had also been victimized. He was the father of daughters who are definitely not safe. I had every reason to hate this man, even to make an attempt on his life the way I desired to. But there were his daughters looking up in my face as I confronted their father. His wife, already suffering a chronic illness, already torn apart inside, was looking at me. He had a family and no matter how terrible his actions had been, it wasn't in me to make them suffer more than they already had for something he done. So it ended with me praying for him and his family, believing God to do whatever it is HE deems necessary. I had to have mercy upon him though he'd had none upon me.

For healing to begin, someone has to administer mercy and love. It can't happen in justice and vengeance. Justice and vengeance require punishment and further affliction upon an already afflicted soul. How can a wound heal when damage is constantly being done to the area?

The point of life is not pain and affliction. The purpose of life is to paint a portrait of love, to be Love's conduit to one another and express the full creative powers thereof, beginning with applied mercy. Sure, it hurts sometimes because we're in a fallen world, meaning most people have been separated from their purpose, have lost their passion and their love has grown cold. But even in this fallen world, we should not allow ourselves to be sucked in. We must hold on to and maintain our faith and purpose. We must keep mercy square and center because we are never in a time when we ourselves do not need it. And really, a merciful person experiences joys and beauties most other people will never know and words can never explain. A merciful person experiences a closer, more peaceful, more purposeful walk with God. A merciful person is an aware person, someone who has tapped in because sometimes mercy simply isn't within our human capacity. Some things we cannot get over on our own, but through the Source, we can break the cycles and overcome anything, everything. Through the mercy of God, when applied to our daily lives, pain is alleviated and mental anguish. Mercy brings about peace.

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Challenges exist to weed out the unqualified. I have always believed that. Survival of the fittest has a certain truth to it, even if it does denote an air of cruelty.

When I began building this women's program, Your Healing Partner, I never imagined the adventure I'd face. And yes, I'm most definitely having an adventuring. I'm experiencing some things I'd only ever heard about. Some of them are difficult.  In those difficulties I'm facing, I can either cave in and release this wonderful program, or I can dig in my heels and fight for my dream of building whole women. I want to see the damage reversed.

So in the face of these challenges, I focus on all the blessings I've received, on the power of my testimony and all that I've already accomplished. I focus on those who have a similar story who need the avenue to share. I remember that I'm no longer fighting for myself alone, but for all those who have endured and will endure the trials of womanhood. If I was supposed to quit, I'm sorry. I didn't get the memo. Ladies, healing is available to us and yes, we can walk in complete freedom and wholeness. Cheers to you!

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Poetry at one point was a conversation between my knower and my feeler.  You know those kind of conversations when what you know to be true has to subdue what you feel. 

In this life, there will be plenty of times when you haven't a clue about what to do next. Unexpected things will happen. Sometimes, you may find yourself totally disconnected for long periods. But then there will be other times when you feel like you're on top of the world. That is the case always with feelings. They are quite mutable, changing frequently and sometimes for no reason at all.

Then there are the absolute truths of life that we find and hold. When our truth conflicts with our emotions, life can be like a thunderstorm. But poetry is a way through that storm of what I want versus what I need, what I believe versus what I see, what I think and what I know. It was through re-reading many of my poems that I found my way through emotional turmoil. I hope that you will go try a little today. Even if you don't write it, look up some poetry and let your imagination go wild. Happy reading!

The daily chore of living may have worn you down. You've worked your fingers to the bones, made sacrifices others can't even imagine, and lived through pain you thought would kill you. For that, I salute you and say, "Go on with your beautiful self."

Even if life has left some scars behind, that doesn't  detract from your beauty for the thing that makes you special is on the inside. That fierce loyalty, that determination, that heart-expanding love that is inside you makes you who you are. Your mistakes? Well, they were how you learned to be the better person you are. Stop regretting and let go of sorrow. Your mourning days are all over now. You have survived. Baby, you are a bad mamma jamma. Don't doubt it one bit. GO ON, with your beautiful self.

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Life gets more complex the more hats we wear, but there is a way to simplify a busy life. It's called prioritizing. Before you tune me out, finish this article.

In the beginning, we're just children. We belong to parents, some good and some otherwise. We do what they tell us and some of what we want, suffering the consequences (big ups to punishment, the switch, extension cord and belt lol). As we age, we take on the role of student, employee, employer, mother, father, sister, brother, believer, friend, spouse and the list goes on. We become a host of different things to different people. Trying to create a balanced life in the midst can be daunting!

In my life roles, I often floundered until I discovered the true secret to prioritizing life. The secret is keeping sight of who you are and what you desire. When you are in tune with yourself, you gain the insight necessary in de-cluttering your life and mind.

In general, most people can agree that family is first, financial security often ranks second, followed closely by social acceptance. But in most lists, spirituality ranks very low, if it ranks at all. Character ranks low on the list. And as long as that is the case, life will become cloudy with each new thing that comes into view. For the spiritual, for the believer, for the person who is ready to try it differently, here is my list of priorities in order of importance, 3 only:

1. Faith- for me, the most important thing is being approved by God and finding grace for the mistakes I make in life. Thus, anything else that comes along has to line up with that or it will create problems for me in all other areas of my life. My legacy is wrapped up in my faith. Any future commitments must be wrapped up in faith. My faith plays a role in every decision I make.
2. Family- if I were married, I would have said marriage instead of family. Why? Because so often we think mom and dad are equal to spouse and that isn't the case. We feel that we must balance and take care of our WHOLE family and that isn't the case. For me, as a single person, family denotes my child first and then all others in no particular order of importance. For a married person, spouse first, children next, and then everyone else as long as they don't conflict with spouse and children.
3. Freedom- this might seem baffling, but hear me out. Freedom means being unshackled from all the chains that bind. Now, some will wonder why I didn't put this before family, but family is a commitment, as is faith. The only two things I want to be shackled to is my God and my family. After that, I desire above all things to be free of the control, opinions and oppression of others. If I am free, I can be a great witness to God's love and purpose, a great wife and mother, a great friend, and more. I can be and do what I want. And as long as my mind is free, my family is well and my faith secure, I can make all the money I want to make because every other distraction or doubt is simply an illusion.

These principles have helped me launch YOUR HEALING PARTNER, holistic coaching for women. They have empowered me to rebuild my life after divorce, sickness and all the other issues I have faced in the past two years. These principles are tried and true. 

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In the past week, I've been through more drama than I care to share. I feel as if someone wrote a tune with the emotional strings of my heart. Nevertheless, life goes on and responsibilities do not end rather I'm having a good day or otherwise.

When we assess the people we allow into our lives, we get a complete picture of our subconscious desires and needs. It is a well known fact that we choose our friends and our mates on a subconscious level most times. And when we're emotionally low and going through a lot in life, our decisions are often compromised. How many people have finally come awake to discover they are in a horrible relationship with someone who could be a wonderful person if they weren't dating them? Or friends with someone who is a lot of fun for a day or two but has no real substance? It happens.

Today, I'm telling you to get control of your life back by fixing the mistakes you're trying to learn to live with. Some things can be changed so don't you dare "punk out", as they say, because you're afraid to face your mistakes and correct them. You can do it. You only need to decide to do it. You can change your mind. You can change your heart. And you can most definitely change your actions. So let's hop to it! 

For more inspiration and empowerment to live a full and prosperous and happy life, join me at Officially Lacresha Hayes or catch my Twitter feed. God has a plan to heal you, to give you a future and a hope. I only hope to be a part of that plan. Be blessed!

The most important person in your life is you. It took many years and a lot of understanding for me to finally accept this truth. For some who are hyper- religious, or super spiritual, you will not want to accept this as the truth, but it is. You are the most important person you'll ever encounter.

As I searched through scripture, I noticed how often it came right back to us. In a quest to love the way God intended, I realized I cannot give what I do not possess. There's a lie that floats around the world, a popular saying: "I love her more than I love myself." or "I am nicer to others than I am to myself." On the surface, those things may appear to be true, but let's dig a bit deeper.

I used to do everything I could to win favor and friendship with people. I'd overlook their slights, try to laugh off their cruelty and share even when I didn't have enough for myself. Then I'd go home and beat up on myself for taking the abuse but run right back to it. Do you think I was loving them more than myself? I wasn't. I was doing us both an injustice. Do you think I was being nicer to them than myself? I wasn't. It's the greatest cruelty to see a friend headed to destruction and smile them along the way. Thus, just because it seems kind and loving and self-sacrificing doesn't make it so. I cannot give love to anyone if I don't have love for myself. I cannot give grace and mercy if I do not first partake for myself. I may try to fake the characteristics, but the Judge of our hearts know the truth.

Start with yourself. Learn how to love you through a close relationship with God. Learn how to forgive yourself, be kind to yourself as you grow into God. Learn how to partake of all God's goodness so that you can give of the same. If you don't first accept it into your own heart and life, all of your preaching and teaching and pretending is in vain because it will not profit you to win the world but lose yourself. You don't have to make that sacrifice. It's already been made. 

For more inspiration, follow me on Twitter, Facebook or join me at Officially Lacresha Hayes. And please, help me continue to spread my message by picking up a copy of one or all of my books. Each was a joy to write and share with the world. The ordering link is on the home page. God bless you!