Coming to the conclusion that I need God was the easy part. Reconnecting with Him much more difficult, not because of Him but because of the state I was in. I was trying to “find” God, but God was never lost, and had not departed. Thus, again I was spinning my wheels. I was looking outside of myself for an answer that would only come through making peace between myself and God.
Right after I began going through repeated hospitalizations and E.R. visits, I began to lose faith. It began to feel like this illness would always be in my life and I’d always be miserably sick and barely able to function. And so, even before the doctors began to give up, I’d given up. I was praying for death and release versus healing and restoration for a time. While my whole church family labored in prayer with me to be healed, I was so broken and confused by pain that I was in direct opposition to those prayers. I wanted only for it to end.
While not preaching or trying to convert anyone in this book, I find it necessary to talk about the role of faith and speech in healing and wholeness. I remember something my Physical Science teacher used to say in school. “Just because you can’t see gravity or don’t believe in it doesn’t exempt you from the effects of it (gravity).” In the same way, whether or not we believe in God does not change the fact that He exists and He is Most Powerful. Often, when people are diagnosed with chronic illnesses, either they cling to God more desperately or reject Him more definitely. But either way, most sick people have very strong feelings about faith, a case for it or against it. And the list of people proclaiming supernatural healing grows by the hundreds or thousands each day. Yet, growing as rapidly are those who became disillusioned because they were diagnosed with a disease. In their mind, their faith should have protected them from ever becoming ill. They feel that God has failed them and allowed some awful evil to come into their lives by way of sickness and disease. And so, they create a horrible cycle, speaking negative words with worsening results until it culminates into some form of death.
Whatever condition you are in spiritually will create either a circle of blessing, healing and wholeness or a circle of loss, destruction and depression. Fortunately, God isn’t like mankind. He is easily entreated. He never holds grudges or anger. He never holds the past over our heads. He never hides away. He presents Himself moment by moment as a real option in our lives. Though He’s never in need of finding, He still must be sought.
There are those, who in false humility, assume they cannot wait until everything falls apart to run to God. Guilt won’t allow them. They ascribe to God humanly characteristics like pettiness and cruelty, mockery and grudges. They believe God won’t hear them when they know they need Him most, but it does not matter what has transpired in the past, God has made Himself available to all at any time through prayer. This all may seem like a long detour, but bear with me because I had to make those prior points to get to the meat of this chapter.
When I became ill, I was in a sinful relationship. I was separated from my godly husband and making plans to marry another man. I was in adultery. I was shacking. I was lying. I wasn’t faithful at church. I was backslidden. I was depressed. And in that low place, though I knew God and had previously preached the Gospel, I felt completely alienated from Him. I didn’t know how to boldly approach the throne of grace to find help in troubling times. I didn’t know how to accept His goodness or grace. I didn’t feel that He was with me or for me. I felt like I was an enemy to God and thus, I was rendered powerless to believe the scriptures applied to me too, that I could be healed too.
(All rights reserved. Copyright 2012 Lacresha Hayes)
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